Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
