My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
