He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
