I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
