I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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