The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
