All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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