Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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