You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
