remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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