im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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