My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am one with the molecules
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize