dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
