AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
