I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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