Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
