I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
