I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
