I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
