Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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