I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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