i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it glows. i had to have it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
