I just cut my nipple shaving
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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