Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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