I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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