wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
