You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
