I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
