My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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