As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
