i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
