she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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