Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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