I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
