Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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