I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
