She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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