Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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