i just wanna soil my oats bro
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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