she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
