Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
