Can i not drive my cunt home
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
