i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
