Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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