i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
