guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
