And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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