I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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