Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
