Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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