At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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