you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this just has baby written all over it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
