just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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