the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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