Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
