hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
