Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
