non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
